I’d always tell people to be careful with MDMA and ”don’t do it too much.” Practice what you preach, right? Not for me. My hypocritical ass just took it week after week, sometimes there’d be a week where I didn’t take it, but never went 2 weeks without. Being surprised on how often I was doing it and not suffering anything too bad for some reason reinforced my justification for doing it so often. “Maybe it’s one of the exaggerated rules” “people in Europe take it all the time and they seem fine”. Stupid.
That all stopped this last weekend. I took 4 points all at once and took a 1 point redose an hour after effects began to kick in. I knew it wasn’t a good idea, knowing how often I’ve been doing it this year. But did it anyways. The roll was intense, couldn’t move much, couldn’t talk, was hallucinating cats and random people in the room, couldn’t construct thoughts very well, and couldn’t see anything clearly for more than a few seconds. I was fucked up, but felt so good.
My eyes were jiggling so much, I’d be in one room and my eyes would start to jiggle then I’d make them stop, then I’d see cats and random people in the room, then they’d start jiggling back-and-forth again, I’d make them stop, then there were new people and there were different cats. This went on for at least 4 hours. I surprisingly didn’t throw up.
Woke up the next day feeling ultra fried and extremely tired, went home and slept. The next day, it begins. The next day (Monday) I wake up literally wanting to kill myself. Everything in my life that wasn’t good that I could normally just shake off and deal with, became very apparent and my anxiety was full force. All the stuff in my life I’m happy about that outweighs the bad stuff dissolved. Next day (Tuesday) I wake up feeling the same way and decided to take my gabapentin to see if it would help. It did, thought I was in the clear. Next day (today) the night before I had a horrible and uncomfortably real feeling dream, where me and my ex were at someone’s house and we both took molly and had sex. When we came down, she told me I raped her. Immediately I felt the lowest of the low, scum of the earth. I left the house to go to my house and I shot myself and then I woke up in real life. I felt like it actually happened. It felt so real the emotional impact that I felt in the dream still lingers. I could feel the gun in my mouth and blast after pulling the trigger.
It has been a horrible day. Work sucked extra dick today. Been having intrusive suicidal thoughts. My memory is noticeably worse than usual, especially short term. My vision has been fuzzy every day since I took it. It’s day 4 since I took it and I’m really hoping this doesn’t last longer than the week. I should probably buy some 5-HTP but I am so anxious and depressed, I can’t leave my room again after having forced myself to go to work.
Respect MDMA. Also, practice what you preach…
Edited: for grammar and spelling