I fucked up

I was finally able to get some high quality crystal MDMA this year and until recently I thought I’d never see this substance again. My previous rolls had all been with close friends under great circumstances, and every single time MDMA had shown me how beautiful it was to simply exist in the world. My experiences with MDMA previously had brought me to a state of pure bliss that I have only experienced before in important moments and deep meditation, and for my next roll I wanted to show the person I loved most my beautiful world.

The MDMA I had was prepared in two capsules dosed about ~140mg for me and ~90mg for my girlfriend, and to be honest I was worried this dose would be underwhelming for her. I tried to give her as much information as I could to prepare her for the experience, and we also took grapefruit juice to negate neurotoxicity and magnesium to prevent gurning (both of these have made my rolls more comfortable in the past as well). We decided to drop in a secluded forest where we could talk and explore a bit, and I have personally had great experiences with other friends in the forest and similar settings.

We began our hike and after we got past the difficult terrain we slowed down a bit and dropped. around 30-45 minutes later we started coming up, and both of us were having a great time goofing off and dancing. At the end of the comeup something went wrong. My girlfriend had to sit down because she started to get dizzy, and then she was suddenly hit with a nausea spell and felt like she was about to puke. She had eaten about three hours before, but from what she said it was a smaller meal. Once I realized what was happening, my blissful comeup turned to sheer terror. I just realized there was nothing I could do to get her out of the negative mindset and intense experience, and this was all amplified by the MDMA. I felt like I hit her with a car and was just running her over again and again and there was nothing I could do. I gave her the drug and she trusted me and took it. This threw me into probably the worst panic attack I’ve had in my life, and I have no idea to what degree she was thrown off by the experience.

After the comeup died down we were able to walk around and somewhat negotiate the roll, but the entire time she was so confused by what happened to her and I felt like I hurt her worse than I could ever imagine. There were things I learned from this experience and from what she told me she found new things out about herself, but this roll really fucked me up. I didn’t have a bad comedown and feel fine today, but after rolling yesterday my girlfriend said she wasn’t feeling very good today, and I have no idea how much of this would be from her mindset and how much would be from the MDMA itself.

I learned that even though MDMA may be enjoyable for myself, not everyone WANTS to feel that way. When I told her about it I definitley made it sound good, although I tried to give her an unbiased opinion. I feel stupid for not have telling her about the possibility of having a reaction to the comeup like that, but I had never heard of anyone taking actual MDMA safely and having that bad of an experience.

Real love is better than MDMA. Way better. I just think MDMA won’t be able to intensify anything that someone already believes is perfect, and sometimes a big breath of fresh air for one person is enough to make another person hyperventilate. Even if we both had a great time on the roll, I think that day would have been just as good without it because of her. I just wanted to share this story because people CAN have negative experiences from real MDMA, and maybe if I already experienced it firsthand, more people won’t have to or can at least be prepared for it. I’ve taken LSD and had psychotic thoughts, and I’ve seen spiders crawl over my body from diphenhydramine, but nothing I’ve ever experienced was as terrifying as seeing the most important person in my entire reality feel that way because of me. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you’re rolling with someone new make sure you warn them of the possibility of a panic attack. Roll safe guys.

TL;DR: fuck

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